ANYTHING TO DECLARE? VOL. 04
For those who have never done it before, the process of applying to stay in another country for years (or forever) is a pile of dry, dry paperwork. Scaly, crumbly, almost dusty paperwork.
Unless you are uber well-connected or famous, this process will be trying. Your personality means nothing. Your greatest achievements mean nothing. Your impact on the existing citizens of the country, no matter how much they like your dinner company, means nothing. With many countries going digital, you can’t even zhuzh up your documents with impressive handwriting.
Aside from applying for asylum or family reunification (which is very, VERY different), in most cases you simply have to prove that you will work X amount of hours to earn X amount of pay in an accepted field—and promise to never, ever get arrested or try not to ask for governmental assistance. In other cases, you may be in love and have someone who loves you back and is willing to sign for it. Good for you. You might still have to prove you will work X amount of hours to earn X amount of money in an accepted field, and then also be challenged as to the validity of your relationship and perhaps your naturalized partner’s satisfaction with you in bed (Kidding! But am I?).
I think it’s high time for an alternative application. The kind of paperwork that will help the immigration officials better assess an applicant’s true viability as a resident of their country. I’ve drafted a version using one of my favorite fictional places, Stankonia (please don’t sue me, Outkast). Here’s how it could go:
In the event of a small or large catastrophe, provide the names of between three and 42 citizens of Stankonia who you can contact for assistance. You can use the back of this page or send an attachment.
Can any or all of the names listed also contact you in the event of a small or large catastrophe? Yes/No/Some
How many Stankonians would be willing to help pay your rent or taxes should you be unable? __________________
How many conversations would it take to convince them to pay (on average)?__________________
If you won our lottery, how much would you give to Stankonian organizations (in percentage)? __________________
Do you know how to conduct yourself in a post office? Y/N
If yes, can you describe the paperwork required to mail a package to your country of origin?
If no, are you willing to learn?
Do you know how to conduct yourself in a grocery store? Y/N
If yes, please outline your strategy for not stalling the line at the register or for getting an employee’s attention.
If no, are you willing to learn?
Do you enjoy AT LEAST TWO of our holidays/traditions that seem absolutely absurd to anyone outside Stankonia? Please list them in order of affection.
Will you celebrate these holidays with visible joy and exuberance?
How much debt are you comfortable incurring? (Hint: Best to write “None at all”) __________________
Define ‘allegiance’:
Are you prepared to have your accent in both your native tongue and Stankonian fluctuate between ridiculous and seemingly faked? Y/N
Name the television show that aired between 1960-1980 that everyone says is “how to understand Stankonia”:
Have you watched it in its entirety? Y/N
Are you willing to follow the subtle but consequential updates to our immigration policies that will change with every governmental shift for the rest of your life and/or until you apply for citizenship? Y/N
Are you willing to do this even if we communicate these updates poorly?
On a scale of 1 - 10, how resourceful are you? 1 being “I’ve never heard of this word” and 10 being “I’m an immigrant.”
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This is the fourth of a 12-part mini-series exploring my experience with immigration. Read the previous installments or sign up to get the rest of the volumes delivered directly to your inbox here.